An open apology to my co-workers

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My allergies have been wreaking havoc for a good 3 weeks now.  Insane wind blowing around lots of pollen and crap.  I’m all stuffed up.  My eyes are itching, sometimes I even feel a little wheezy.  It doesn’t help that I spent 4 hours this weekend outside at baseball games.

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No lie, this looks like me right now.

I’ve tried all kinds of decongestant drugs.  I’ve tried saline spray. I’ve taken all kinds of OTC allergy things. I’ve even tried those pressure point things.  I look more than a little ridiculous when people walk by my cube and I’m trying those out.  Hold for 4-5 minutes each? Are you freaking kidding me?

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So far, the only thing that works is Afrin, which is bad because you are only supposed to use that stuff for 3 days max.  Rut-Roh.  I may have to go to Afrin rehab.  Maybe I’ll meet Lyndsay Lohan there. I have a feeling she will be gone before I get there though.

So to my co-w0rkers, I’m sorry for all the grossness. I apologize for the sneezing, sniffing, snarfing, blowing of the schnoz, the coughing up a lung, the clearing of the throat, the nasally sounding talking and my lack of being able to completely hear you with my stopped up ears.   It’s gross, I know.  No one wants the never-ending beak bugling to be over than me. I promise I’m washing my hands, using hand sanitizer and tissues (not all in that order).   On the plus side, I’m not hocking a lugie  AND I’m not walking around looking like this……yet:

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Things that must come with the p……

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Being the only female in a house of all males (except for 1 girl dog), I have discovered there are things that just are/are not included with the penis upon birth and I have difficulty understanding them.   Even the symbol for male is phallic.  I  know, a lot of these things are not new to us females.  I just have a few that I need to get off my chest.

  1. Quoting movie lines.  How the hell can every male in my house remember movie lines to the most obscure movies in copious detail, but can’t remember to take the damned trash out? 
  2. Lack of time management.  As organized as 2 of the males in my house appear to be, time management is clearly not one of those organizational skills that comes with the male DNA.  These two in particular take longer to get ready to go somewhere than I do.
  3. Wait!  I just answered #2.  It’s the toilet.  What on earth takes THAT long when a male sits down?  Wait! I don’t think I REALLY want to know the answer to that one.
  4. Lack of ability to put the toilet seat down - This has been covered in an earlier post.  This goes with replacing the paper roll as well. NOT.THAT.DIFFICULT.
  5. Lack of ability to close the damned doors to the bathroom! No one wants to see or hear peeing, pooping or popping zits with the door open.
  6. Thinking all bodily functions are hilarious.  This includes, burping, farting, tripping, falling, hitting, getting jacked in the jewels, cussing, and more. “Pull my finger.”  No.
  7. Lack of wearing clothes. “I wanna be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Put some friggin clothes on. What is it about walking around the house naked?  Your body parts are not really that fun to look at.  They are actually a little gross.  How do you guys live with those things?
  8. Lack of ability to replace things in the fridge.  It really is Ok to make up another pitcher of lemonade instead of leaving .05mm in the bottom of the pitcher. It’s water plus powdered lemonade and stir. It’s also Ok to load the fridge back up with sodas, bottled waters, sports drinks, etc all on your own.  not.that.hard. I won’t even talk about drinking out of the milk carton – I’m choosing my battles.
  9. Lack of writing skills. If we are out of something in the grocery department, pick up the pen that is next to the refrigerator and write it down on the pad of paper that is attached to the magnet that is on THE FREAKING FRIDGE. It never goes away. It’s always there, just like your dick.  Failure to do this does not give you the right to bitch gripe and moan about, “Why didn’t you get this at the store? Where is the x? Are we out of X?  I can’t believe you didn’t get X at the grocery store,  WTH? “
  10. Lack of listening skills or having selective hearing.  I know you can do it.  You can listen and repeat movie lines, so I know the ears work. 
  11. Knowing it all.  This speaks for itself.  Just like not asking for directions or using directions when putting something together.  “Gah! I know, I know!”  Then why are we lost or why do we have extra parts?
  12. Ability to stop touching “it”.  What is the obsession?  Your Johnson is always there. It’s always attached. This I know is in the DNA.  Once you discover this toy as a baby, you never stop touching it or adjusting it.
  13. Ability to pee anywhere.  Stop showing off.  I get it.  You can pee anywhere in the world you want.  It’s not necessary to prove it in our own yard.
  14. Lack of remote control management. The flipping through of channels non-stop when there is a commercial doesn’t just come from the one male in my house with ADHD.
  15. Lack of common sense. Riding the skateboard off the roof is NOT a good idea.  The higher you build the ramp, the worse the fall WILL be.   You are not EvilfuckingKenevil.
  16. (This one only applies to the male that is my husband).  Foreplay is NOT spooning and putting your thingy on my thigh, ass or any other part of my back.  Put a little effort into it.  

I guess it’s just another Monday.  Whew!  I feel a little better.

Snakes suck

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Well, I guess they really bite.  If you were a follower a couple of weeks ago,  you may remember my post about the snakes in my hood, right?  Just in case you don’t or you hadn’t come across my bat shit ramblings yet,  here’s a refresher Keep Calm and Freak the Hell Out.

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So I really am starting to freak out, but not as much about the snakes.  Earlier this week, a photo was posted on our neigborhood FB page by a neighbor with a caption of  “Dead Mutherfucker”.  Ok, it didn’t quite say that, but it should have, because that is how I read it.  Point is, it’s dead.  Samurai sword to the head. 

So there are LITERALLY 47 comments on this post.   Most are “EEEEK snakes”  and others are “Leave that poor harmless rat snake alone – we need it to control the rat population that has increased recently.”   Huuhhhhhhhhh?  Whuuuuuuuuut?   Rats?   Ok, forget the fucking snakes, but RATS????  This is suburbia for craps sake.   RATS?!?!  

So then because things were getting a little out of control on the “Kill the bastard/Don’t kill the adorable snake” photo,  to be funny, someone (not me) posted a photo with the caption of  “Might have been seen going from Canada on it’s way to our  hood.”  

Those with a sense of humor ran with it. One posted, “He’s come to avenge the death of his father. “ Not many people thought it was that hilarious.  I did. So I kept going with it.  I posted:  ”Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”  Crickets.

I think I’m more stunned that only 1 person out of 500 actually got that.   Seriously?   What the hell is wrong with you people? Have you NOT seen  The Princess Bride?  You are missing out people! “As You Wish.”

So what say you? Kill the bastard or Don’t kill the bastard? Since he isn’t poisonous (although he appears to have been quite the stud and has many babies and bitches all over our hood), should we let him and his devil spawn slither around the hood to eat those horrible rats?  I mean, hello – bubonic plague anyone?  Circle of Life?  All that bullshit?  I can’t believe I’m leaning towards support of a snake. While he and his bitches are at it, can they PLEASE clear out the rabbit population?  As they are known to do, they are mutliplying before our eyes. They are little sex addicts that procreate in record time. They are eating everything in my damned flower beds (because they are pregnant and hungry – Duh!!) and driving my dogs ape shit.

Again, I have not thought this one all the way through.  The more they eat, the more they grow.  Shit.  Ok, THAT’s when we kill the bastards!

At least spiders are not in the mix, yet.  If  large spiders show up, I’m fucking outta here.

Inspiring?

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This is awesome  (I’ve been told I use that word too much) I mean this is FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! – my second award – nominated by two fellow bloggers, Times Squared and I’d Rather Do Laundry.  Thank you to both of you!  Check these funny ladies out!

I’m not exactly sure what I’ve inspired readers to do. Be very selective on their feminine product selection? Put the toilet seat down? Run like hell from snakes?  Inspired you to find religion after reading my posts and try to save me?  Inspired you to use birth control? Whatever I’ve inspired in you, I hope it at least elicited a snicker, a har-umph or something somewhat positve.  

As one of the lucky recipients of this prestigious award, I have to follow certain rules:

1: Display the award logo (that’s it, up there).

2: Link it back to the person that gave it to me (that’s up there, to both of them).

3: State seven things about myself. 

4: Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and include their links in this blog. (this one is going to be tough.  I’m still new to the bloggy thing, so I’ll put what I can together).

So to all future nominees, make sure you follow these rules too. 

Here I go:

Seven Things About Me

1. I don’t like reptiles.  They creep me out, so that makes me a sucky boy Mom.

2. Math and I do NOT get along. I married well in the math department.

3.  Add #1 plus #2 and you’ll find that I don’t get along with multiple snakes or lizards.

4.  I can burb on command (I see a challenge coming on with I’d Rather Do Laundry).

5.  I LOVE Pinterest, however nothing ever turns out like it looks in the photos when I do it – ever.  I always end up on there when I’m really hungry too, and it makes me even hungrier and makes me feel stupid because I didn’t think of all the other really clever things on there.

6. My pet peeve is people that can’t understand sarcasm.

7. Ok, one more pet peeve, people that drive the speed limit in the fast lane.  Move the hell over, please.

My Nominees for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Next Life No Kids – the name says it all.

Jeneral Insanity - She and I had to be separated at birth.

The Good Mood Foodie – She inspires me to want to get off of grains completely in my house.

Nannypology – Inspired because I wasn’t one of her families she could get really funny stories from.  Actually, she’s introduced me to many new bloggers through her Friday Blog parties.  Go over and join it today!

Suburbia Interrupted – Because that pie inspired me to go make something chocolatey tonight.

Snack Mom Syndrome – OMG.  She’s a Mom of boys and always supposed to bring food. I can SO relate!

The Life I Live  – Funny and tells it like it is. Her search terms post – hilarious.

And that is all I’ve got.   I suck, I know, but I really had to come up with more than 7 since I got the Leibster a couple of days ago too.

Beginning to get a phobia

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of these little shits:

smart-car

What would this be called? IttyBittyCarobia? PintSizedAutophobia? TeensyWeensyCarobia? RiskYourLifeInTrafficMobiphobia?TinyWeenieCarobia? MunchkinDysfunctionMobiphobia? I dunno, but I seem to attract these things like:

moth

Just like I was an asshole magnet when I was dating, these things are everywhere it seems. I feel  like they are following me, or possibly even stalking me.  I mean, look at those headlights?  Creepy, right?

This morning (and several mornings), I was once again next to this guy:

bobincar

For the life of me, I don’t understand how this particular dude squeezes into that thing.  What scares me more?  He must live somewhere near me since we seem to be taking the same path in the morning to work. That frightens me a little.  Someone hold me!

A month or so ago, I was driving down the interstate going at least 85 in the fast lane (I know, don’t judge me).  I look in my review mirror and what is TAILGATING ME? A fucking Smart Car?   First of all, it’s hard to look menacing and all “up in your grill” in a Smart Car. I have an SUV.  Not like a huge one, but a mid-size one, but still.  Took some balls to do that shit. Secondly, I had no idea those things could go that fast!  I mean I look at these cars a little more like:

fred

I don’t know how Fred sometimes gets a whole freaking family in there. That’s a whole other post! It get’s bitchin’ gas mileage though, I’m sure! They must be exhausted when they go fast!

Then on the commute home yesterday, two more of these things.  For the first time though, there were women driving them. That makes a little more sense to me, women in Smart Cars. Men in Smart Cars makes me think of a big ‘ol sissy with a pencil dick, that is unless you are tailgating me on a major interstate.  Oh who am I kidding.  I laughed so hard I was almost crying when I saw that one tailgating an F350 pick-up truck in front of me.   Dude, you are like a mosquito in that truck’s ear! 

SMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Happy Friday!  Have a fantastic (I’m told I use the word awesome too much) weekend!

Oh…Mah….Gawd

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Seriously?  Let’s do a little math equation (which I suck at by the way, but I think I got this one! )

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Stress

One excruciatingly long meeting. 

I’m not kidding.  The woman that was presenting for our all day hour meeting today.  She talked, “Like, really super fast”  and she sounded just.like.a.Kardashian with the little whine at the end of each sentence that goes up an octave.  Add in the fact that she was presenting something on a conference call/webex that 3/4 of the room already knew and we were all “Like, kill me now! ” It was like Charlie Brown’s teacher talking really fast from the box on the conference room table.  But what we could understand, was a little entertaining.

“If you guys like, use the browser Crown…”  WTF did she just say?  Oh she means Chrome!!!!  I shit you not, the whole damned meeting was like that.  We seriously could of used a Valley Girl interpreter. Thank goodness she was in another state and on the phone because we like, had her on mute and were like,  making all kinds of snide remarks,  and like, hand gestures, and like, sighs and  like, eye rolling and like, just plain being rude. But, it was fun and I think we’ll like, chalk it up to a bonding or “team building” experience.

I think we are all like, a little closer now, like, sniff, sniff.

*Note, not intended to like, offend anyone.  Like, seriously.

My first award

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Holy crap! An award?  Cool!!
I’m honored to be nominated for this award by nannypology.  Thank You! I also had to Google this award (like her) and be sure it wasn’t something dirty. Kidding!!! (sort of)
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In my googling research, I learned that to accept your Liebster Award, you must follow some rules. I am happy to oblige.
The Rules
1. List 11 facts about yourself.
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you by the lovely person who “nominated” you.
3. Ask 11 new questions to the bloggers you nominate.
4. Choose 11 bloggers (with 200 or less followers) to nominate. (I may break this rule and pick less than 11. I’m new to the bloggy thing).
5. Visit each bloggers page and tell them about the award.
6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them.
7. No track backs (I am going to google that now…)
Okay… 11 facts about myself...
1.  I love football. Yep, I’m a chick that likes football and none of my boys play it.
2. My favorite food is Tex-Mex, not just Mexican. There is a difference, a BIG difference.
3. My favorite alcoholic beverage, Godiva chocolate Martini. It’s like drinking dessert with an added bonus. Almost orgasmic.
4. I can cross my eyes.
5. I can wiggle my ears.
6. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
7. I can flare my nostrils.
8. I can do 4, 5, 6,AND 7 all at the same time.
9. I  am NOT a natural blonde.
10. I think I’m freaking pop star when I’m alone, in my car. My kids don’t agree, which is why I have to be alone, in my car.
11. I LOVE to cook, however 2 picky eaters in the house make that difficult.
Her questions for me:
  1. What is the most embarrassing moment you have had online? (Come on, you can tell us! I just gave you an AWARD)… Um, I think it was the feminine product commentary, I mean I said lady garden !!! 
  2. If you could get paid to do anything in the world (and make a very comfortable living), what would you choose to do? Honestly, write for fun – not boring stuff that I’m forced to write. I mean, I dreamed about sparkly vampires that run real fast and are hated by werewolves, but dammit, someone beat me to it!!!
  3. What would you rather die from: being eaten slowly by a 50 foot anaconda? or, getting your head ripped off my a great white shark? Explain. Head ripped off by a shark. You know how I feel about snakes. Shark, must faster. Oh and really cool music too. 
  4. Who would you cast as your lover in the made for TV movie of your life? Matt Damon
  5. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? mac & cheese. It combines two of my favorites – pasta & cheese. drool! 
  6. Would you rather be forced to make spelling errors, or grammatical errors on a daily basis? Explain. Spelling. That is what spell check is for. 
  7. What game/competition show would you most like to be on? Why? And do you think you would win? The Voice, Because I think I’m a pop star in private, no I would not win, I suck. 
  8. What is your most secret guilty pleasure? Name 2!  Not any secrets, but Duck Dynasty and 50 Shades of Gray- not at the same time. 
  9. What is the most exciting comment/feedback you’ve ever received on your blog and why? That I’ve been nominated for an award because I’m really new to this bloggy thing. 
  10. If you could go on vacation with any of your fellow bloggers, who would it be and why? Where would you go? The Bloggess because she makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever read.  Where to go, where to go…..outter space maybe? 
  11. Boxers or Briefs?  Briefs

 

Ah geeze, now to come up with 11 questions of my own for you guys:

  1. If you could talk to one celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
  2. What is your favorite book of all time?
  3. What is your favorite movie of all time?
  4. If a celebrity were to play your life story, who would play you?
  5. What is our most valuable hidden talent?
  6. Who is your favorite singer/group?
  7. Were you a band geek, choir member, thespian or jock in high school?
  8. If you won the lotto, what would be the first thing you would do with the money?
  9. If you could live anywhere in the world you wanted, where would you live?
  10. Do you prefer the mountains or the beach?
  11. Is your toilet paper roll go over or under?

Now for my nominees!!!!

I’d Rather Do Laundry

Pansies & Flowers 

Writing of a Mrs Mommy

The Good Mood Foodie

Spilled Lemonade (I’m trying to get her to get going on this again)

 

And that’s all I’ve got that have under 200 followers.  The others are all well established and have gazillions of followers and were my inspiration for starting my own rambling blog.

Dear males in my house….

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  1. I’ve asked for one….one damned toilet in the house that is mine. I don’t care what you do with the other 3 that are in the house. I just claim one!! One dammit!
  2. I’m going to fucking cut someone if you don’t put the damned seat down to the one appointed girl toilet in the house.  There will be no more splash landings in the middle of the night!!!  (Trust me. Your wife will thank me for this later.)
  3. If you stop up the appointed girl toilet, fix it before I ever have a chance to get there. I’ve plunged more than I EVER should have to, ever.  I now consider myself a master plumber.
  4. If you smell up ANY bathroom in the house (especially the appointed female toilet), for the love of Pete, please use some freaking air freshener and the exhaust fan. They are there for a reason.
  5. If the appointed female toilet is low on toilet paper (because you’ve used it) DO NOT leave one lousy square on the roll. REPLACE it dammit!!! (this rule applies to all drinks in the refrigerator in which you have left one fucking sip left in the container too.)
  6. I’ve done my time changing your diapers,wiping your ass and cleaning up shitty underwear when you were toddlers.  (note: Does not apply to the male over 40 in this house. I’m not wiping your ass, ever). Clean your own damned bathrooms and stay out of mine.
  7. WTF is up with the streaks in the underwear ? WIPE.YOUR.ASS. With toilet paper and only toilet paper!
  8. It does NOT require 1/2 a roll of toilet paper to wipe your ass. It just might be why #3 is happening!!

Failure to abide by the above requests will result in the  following when you least expect it:

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muwaahaaaahaaahaaaa

Wait, let me revisit #7.  Shit. My revenge will require more laundry on my part. I should rethink this. DAMMIT!!!!

Revenge ideas welcome.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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So I think I can get this squeezed in before the end of the day!  I hope all of you Mom’s of kids, fur babies, reptiles, etc had a really wonderful day!  My kids love me for my big ‘ol purse that I can sneak candy from the dollar store into movies. :) There were an awful lot of Dad’s/Husband’s doing the “walk of shame” around noon today into the grocery store.   Mine actually planned ahead, at least 24 hours ahead.

I’ve been fighting some massive allergy attacks and can hardly breathe, however it was a great day. I was treated to Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Iron Man 3 (swoon) and lunch at a burger place.  After that, I had to hit the grocery store, but I did treat myself to a long needed pedicure (so I can wear open toed shoes to work tomorrow without the embarrassment of people running in horror from my hideous looking feet).  Oh and I got my car washed – first time since the return from Spring Break, so it needed it!

I called my Mom to tell her Happy Mother’s Day!   I have an amazing Mom, but I realized it’s been a really long time since I’ve spent Mother’s Day with her.  She lives several hours away, but since I’ve had my own kids, it’s been tough to get down to be with her on this day.  I must make sure to make a big effort to get there next year.

What did you do today?   Whatever you did, I hope it was awesome.  If your Mom is no longer with us  (I unfortunately know several friends whose Mom’s have passed), I hope you know she’s watching you and taking care of you in her own way.

It’s time to drag my fat ass to the gym

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Don’t answer that.  I already know the answer. It’s time.   I can no longer put off the fact that it will soon be swim suit season.  Shit.  It’s like 2 weeks away.  I’m totally screwed.

I am not a fan of the gym, however I know it’s a necessary evil.  I do actually feel a ton better when I work out. That and I need to give up my Gummi bear habit that has recently gotten out of control.  There is no fat in those suckers, but the carbs in them are killing me.  That and the processed sugar and blah, blah, blah.

Carbs are bad, mmmmmkay. Processed sugar is bad, mmmmmmmkay.

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Carbs and sugar are my drugs. By carbs, I mean pasta and shit like that.  I need to eat the GOOD carbs. I know what to do.  I just need to freaking do it.

So you would think having been home for about a month I could of started back to the gym then and start eating right and I’d look so damn awesome by now. Problem was that I was certainly depressed and licking my wounds from mean assholes out there in the world.  I did learn how to make zoodles (zuchinni noodles)  and some paleo chocolate chip cookies that are not THAT bad for you.  I need to move more towards the Paleo thing as well as move my family over to it.  I’m slowly transitioning flour and grains out of the house.  So far, no revolts in the house.  In fact, the opposite.  The guys prefer the cookies to regular flour ones and they liked the zoodles.   Go figure! So there was some good to come out of being unemployed for a month!

Giddy-up.  It’s time. I’m now employed again and it’s now time to start adding all this crap to my routine on a daily basis.  Sigh…………..