On this President’s Day (when I have to work because the company I work for decided they liked Martin Luther King better than all the dead President’s so they gave us that day off instead of today) AND Monday….. the last thing I wanted to do was get in the shower with a little 8 legged “friend” as a surprise.
Picture this I’m barely awake. I’ve let our dogs out to do their thing and back in, turned on the shower to warm up the water (it takes 5 min for the hot water to travel from the hot water heater to the shower in our bedroom), and am stepping into the shower. Low and behold the biggest fucking spider you’ve ever seen in your life comes scrambling out from behind the shampoo bottle on the floor (you know because I have to buy those really giant ones from Costco and because they are so giant they don’t fit in the shower organization caddy thingy). I swear that spider looked at me and said, “I’m gonna cut you bitch!!” Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating, just a leetle. It wasn’t like tarantula size or that big and maybe it didn’t talk to me quite like that. Ok, It didn’t talk to me at all. Who the hell cares. It’s a damn spider. They are evil and must be stopped!!!
So I spend the next 5 minutes trying to scald it to death with really hot water (got more on me than the spider). Just when I thought it was dead – out pop those hairly looking legs. IT’S STILL ALIVE!!!!! MUTHER FUCKER!!! Ok, why won’t this little shit go down the drain? Surely I’ll be safe once it goes down the drain!!! Is there something wrong with my shower that won’t make the water swirl down the drain or something? I mean seriously, my dogs are in the bathroom watching me do the “spider dance” cussing and trying to swish it down the drain with this “What the fuck are you doing” look on their face. Feeling like I should justify my behavior to the dogs (that in and of itself is batshit crazy), I look at them and say, “I’m trying to kill this fucking spider!!!!!”. They cock their head’s and wag their tails. Back to spider fighting……
I don’t want to touch the thing. Really I don’t. The dogs are cheering me on! I can do this! I will rid the world of this horrible thing!!! Splashing! That’s what I’ll do. Surely I can splash this thing down the drain. Five more minutes pass by and I FINALLY get that stupid thing down the drain…..and then, all I can think about is, What if it is hanging on to the walls of the drain? What if he (because it’s evil and has to be a HE) crawls back up while I’m washing the shampoo out of my hair or when I’m rinsing and repeating? What if it wants revenge? What do spiders do for revenge?
Here’s to hoping the spider thinks it was my husband who got into the shower after me that ruined it’s world and not me!!!! I’m sure the OCD in him would have a much better process to rid the world of this evil spider. He’d probably just step on it. Why the hell didn’t I think of that?